burn, burn, burn your life down

Cassian had no problem believing in unknowable powers. They shaped everything and the universe was at their mercy. What he didn’t believe was that they cared. That was his problem with people like Force users, and all who claimed favor and control. Whatever Power had brought him to Darrow was scrambling his head: seeming to take the minute interest to select them individually, by methods incomprehensible in how they arrived and vanished.

It was probably also too big for things like how Cassian didn’t turn on his comm ‘phone’. —Worse than a comm because you could be tracked by it without speaking. Cassian had no known enemies here, and treating The Power like an enemy was likely, at best, futile. Still, he didn’t feel safe leaving the phone on.

That morning, Cassian faced Jyn, phone in hand, and turned it on. “I’ll leave it on every second we’re apart.”

Cassian was going on a mission.

Whether the Cassian Jyn had known (and loved) years ago was him or wasn’t, this Cassian wasn’t going to hurt her the same way if he had any choice at all about it. He probably didn’t because that was how the Universe worked. In any universe, the only way to maximize whatever choice or control you could have was by learning about it. He knew he was far from the first ‘import’ to seek the truth about Darrow’s mystery. That was no reason not to try. Every one of them who tried might get a little farther than the last. Especially if they had relevant skills. He treated it as any piece of intel to run down.

Very quickly, Cassian found himself following a string of local informants who were so used to imports looking for this answer, they’d practically become a tourism chain. They gave him what he wanted without price and with compassion-to-pity.

At the end of each line was a religious sect. In Cassian’s experience: the problem with seeking answers in religion is that you’ll find them. No matter what it was, someone will be offering what you want. That wasn’t what he was after.

After several sleepless nights, Cassian was on a deserted stretch of beach and must have dozed off; because he turned his eyes from the sunsetting sea, and there was Maarva standing behind him.

Cassian half-bolted to his feet. “Ma—”

Maarva put her hands out. “Hello, love. Help me down.”

Blinking, Cassian held out his shaking hands and supported her as she sat down beside him.

She did so with a loud sigh and nodded appreciatively at the sunset over the water. “Oh, I miss that. Never had it on Ferrix.”

Cassian was tongue-tied. “M… I’m… Ma, what are you…”

She gave him a sidelong twinkle of the eyes. “…doing here? Or just ‘what am I’? Either way: I’m here to answer. You’ve been asking so desperately.”

A shutter in Cassian’s heart narrowed. “I’ve asked a lot of things over the years,” he said quietly. “I could have used your help then.”

“I couldn’t, then.” She sounded truly sorry. “We’re under special circumstances, right now.”

“Why? Why now?”

“I don’t have all the answers. I wish I did. I can’t even answer your question for anyone else. Only for you.”

“What’s my question?”

“‘Can I keep from vanishing’. Do you really want your answer?”

“Yes.”

“Yes. You will not vanish, not leave, until you are ready to.”

“I will someday be ready?”

“That’s up to you, my love.”

“So people only leave when they’re ready? Then how could he—I—have left her? How could I ever be ready to do that to her?”

“I already said, I cannot answer for anyone else. This answer is only for you.”

“Then he was someone else?”

“Our past selves are other people. Developmentally, experientially, molecularly…”

“Then he was me?”

“Cassian.” She chided but her eyes still smiled, achingly loving, as she pushed his hair back from his face. “I’ve given you several answers for the price of one. That’s more than most get.” She put her hand to his cheek. “I know you don’t believe in the Force, but believe this. You won’t disappear from this place unless you want to. Neither will she. The forces moving you are yourselves. So stop living in fear. Believe it, my love, and live.”

Cassian trembled and put his hand over hers. “I’m sorry.”

“You have nothing to apologize for to me. I love you more than anything you could ever—”

Cassian awoke in the sand under the morning sun.

It was unlike any dream he’d had before. And he wasn’t going to settle for that.

The way you confirm intel is by getting the same details from independent sources. He went ahead and researched in the religions, their answers, their legends about the arrivals and departures. He heard from living people and he saw etchings on ruins’ walls. These answers he was finding at the ends of multiple threads were so elemental, the common denominator may have been ‘being sapient organisms’. Like ‘visions with ancestors’… yes, but come on.

When he had three separate strangers, in three separate places and traditions, all catch his arm and say the phrases:
—“You will not vanish until you are ready.”—
—“The forces moving you are yourselves.”—
—“Believe it and live.”—

—he decided it was time to go home.

He knelt in front of Jyn where she sat in the kitchen, told her everything, and said last, “…a little better than back to where we started. I won’t lose you to fear of losing you. No one has any amount of time guaranteed. …But there is a bit more, now. And I… choose to believe.”


[Thank you, May, for helping me with this! OTA anywhere, at any stage of this journey!]